Newspaper Columns by Bishop Paul V. Marshall
Three resolutions to nurture close relationships
Bishop Paul V. Marshall
January 2004
No pet lover would feed their pet a steady diet of table scraps. It would weaken health, shorten life, and possibly kill by choking. How many of us, though, nurture our closest relationships with leftovers?
I have become aware that many marriages that run on scraps. They end badly; or worse, they don't end. This is the scenario: Get out of bed with a list of things to do already churning. Work hard and do a creditable job all day at home or business. Do useful things at home or in the community in the evening hours. Plop into bed too tired even for meaningful conversation, perhaps being briefly present to one's spouse in some half-hearted way.
Mainline churches don't do much at helping married people with relationships. This is meant to be a tiny stab in that direction.
Television psychologist Dr. Phil says that loss of libido among married people has reached epidemic proportion. My encounters with people suggest that his observation regards only a symptom. The larger problem, loss of relationship, has reached pandemic proportion.
People are not budgeting their emotional energy nearly so wisely as they are investing their retirement funds. Two people running at a high level of energy all day find that their greatest need at the end of the day is rest - they have squandered the resources required to love, honor, and cherish.
Churches used to complain, rightly, that people were so invested in their kids' sports and other activities that they were robbing them of key spiritual values.
It is becoming clearer that people are robbing themselves of basic relationships in precisely the same way, being too busy with good things to have time or energy for the best things.
Even the richest people stay busy to avoid feeling their emotional poverty. If prodded, they may say their spouse's need for relationship is unreasonable considering all they have to do.
Unfaithfulness to vows takes many forms. Not being emotionally present is one of them.
January is the secular season of repentance, a word that simply means turning around. Three resolutions may add a bit of nourishment in place of scraps.
First, nourish your spirit. You cannot give what you do not have.Many people find it helpful to have some period each day, perhaps only ten minutes, when they do nothing. They sit still, eyes unfocused or closed, and do not think. Going to a quiet place inside takes learning for some, for others it is as easy as listening to their own breathing. It is a fundamental act of self-care that recharges and repairs the soul. Do not do this while driving.
For others, listening to music is a cleansing and restoring moment. The point is that, just as surely as one takes vitamins each day, it is useful to take time to nourish the spirit.
The second resolution is the trickiest part. Do slightly less: trim enough from the daily list so there is something to give at home. Obviously, most tasks will still be there tomorrow - what is surprising is they won't seem so urgent. To be faithful to one's vows requires a deliberate conservation of energy.
Finally, enjoy each other. After the kids are in bed, do something together for half an hour, with the TV off. Some couples read a book together, others discuss the newspaper, some play a game or have a joint hobby. Others just enjoy talking. The more adventurous share their interior journey.
Change is cumulative. A nation populated with people invested in care of self, conservation of energy, and intentional presence with their beloved might give Dr. Phil less to worry about.Return to the index of Bishop Paul's columns for the secular press
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