Newspaper Columns by Bishop Paul V. Marshall
Start the New Year right -- ask a question
Disciplined Curiosity is our most Underused Gift
Bishop Paul V. Marshall
January 2003Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it can save human relationships.
Most of us have started the New Year determined to be better people. Most of us recognize that there will not be peace or generosity for all until each of us becomes peaceful and generous -- especially with people who are irritating or just different.
Of the gifts God has given us for forming and maintaining relationships, the most underused is curiosity.
Think about how the typical fight between people begins.
Person A makes some statement that irritates Person B, who then fires back an answer, often adding a put-down or hostile barb.
At its worst, this kind of response indulges in mind-reading: "You're saying that because you think..." or "You're just saying that because you're racist/sexist/anti-semitic" and so on.
Then the real fighting begins. The subject originally brought up lies forgotten in the dust. If the people end up still speaking, all that remains of the interchange is a grudge.
St. Paul spoke of a "dividing wall of hostility." There are few better ways to describe the results of verbal combat. A simple way to breach the wall is the disciplined practice of curiosity.
What if, the next time someone says something that angers or frightens us, or just seems too stupid for words, we use the sensation of being frightened or angered as a cue to defuse the situation?
Instead of simply repeating our own point (louder or more forcefully), what if we ask something like "How did you come to that conclusion?" or "Can you tell me why you think that?"
Such a response opens windows instead of slamming doors. When we understand why a person thinks something, we may discover a new and possibly refreshing point of view. We might also learn something. At its best, such an approach opens a real conversation from which both parties can benefit.
It may take courage to try this when our habits (and adrenalin) suggest a more primitive response. It certainly takes self-monitoring and discipline to recognize and overcome our fighting reflexes.
To our surprise, the discipline of curiosity may also enhance an experience with someone with whom we happen to agree. This column comes from reflection on a recent encounter of that kind.
I had arranged to meet with a fellow bishop who has taken a very clearly defined position on one of the issues that currently engages the Episcopal Church. I am trying to study and perhaps write about the issue.
We talked over lunch and for a considerable time after that. When we were both sensing that the conversation was ending, he choked up a bit and thanked me.
I was puzzled. I had gained from him a number of unique and thought-provoking insights. I asked why he should be thanking me.
He told me that, since he had taken this stand a few years ago, his fellow liberals had said nothing beyond congratulating him while conservatives had simply denounced his actions. I was the only one who asked how he reached this conclusion. He cherished the opportunity to explain his thinking.
I claim no virtue here: I wanted information for a practical use and did not consider the consequence of the interview for him. The entirely unintended consequence of my inquiry was that, for the first time, he felt that his thinking process and personal struggle were of value.
When our children say something that irritates us, especially if they might be right in their criticism, we tend to say, "Don't talk to me like that." How would a child's world change if we responded, "Why do you say that?"
We could gain information and a child might begin to grow in attitudes of conversation rather than controversy.
Start the New Year right - ask a question.
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